SEX SCANDAL UPDATE

Oh don’t get excited. The headline is irresistibly seductive, and here you are. Unfortunately you’re not getting any sex here. It just seems like time to update some of our most tawdry political bad behavior stories. What’s John Edwards up to? Is Liz divorcing him? Why is David Vitter about to be investigated…again? And Senator John Ensign from Nevada – you remember: he’s the guy who allegedly had an affair with an ex-campaign aide and may have been the recipient of a little strong-arming by his paramour’s husband. (Very “David Letterman, right?) Ensign thought it would all just go away, but…it hasn’t. It’s all so trashy, isn’t it? And we hang on every word, don’t we? Go figure.

The Edwards epic just keeps gaining new layers. Now, The National Enquirer reports Elizabeth Edwards may divorce John Edwards. The new book by Andrew Young -- Edwards’ former aide who claimed paternity to Rielle Hunter’s child until he didn’t want to any longer—reportedly reveals Edwards may have had more campaign trail dalliances with more campaign workers. Oy. And let’s not get too journalistically snooty about the Enquirer. The Enquirer broke the Edwards story, and everything it has reported so far has been accurate.

I told people way back when, when Edwards was campaigning for president, that I did not trust him. For me, it started when he came to New Orleans, to the Ninth Ward, and did a live TV feed that showcased him “helping” rehab a house that was damaged by Katrina. Word spread through town pretty fast that as soon as the cameras were off, he put the tools down and got into a waiting black SUV and took off. Edwards was (and is) all image, and not enough substance. To his credit, he does some good work, even now. He is reportedly very active in a campaign called “Half in 10,” which aims to cut poverty in half in 10 years. He even made a public appearance on its behalf as recently as last week. And say what you will about the guy, it cannot be easy to make those appearances right now. You just never know when we pesky reporters are likely to ask him if he spread his DNA further than earlier reported. That’s what we do. We ask.

Meanwhile, guess who’s back in the public prurient consciousness for a minute -- David Vitter. He of the high priced Washington call girl scandal of a couple of years ago. How’s this: he calls for an investigation of ACORN after the scandal that suggested ACORN workers were counseling prostitutes. About five seconds after he comes forward with his outrage over ACORN, a group called Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington steps up to suggest Vitter himself should be investigated. After all, the group reasons, it seems likely that Vitter violated the state’s rule that says it is professional misconduct for a lawyer to “commit a criminal act especially one that reflects adversely on the lawyer’s honesty, trustworthiness or fitness as a lawyer in other respects.”

Do you love it or what? Vitter has never really appeared to be the brightest bulb in the room, but even he has to be scratching his head right now and asking himself what the hell he was thinking. Washington in 2009 is just high theatre. It’s got everything. Sex, scandals, cover-ups, under-the-table deals, power…it’s like Dynasty on acid.

John Ensign even looks like Blake Carrington from Dynasty. Suddenly, the seemingly dormant Ensign affair seems to be back in the headlines. It seems despite their earlier show of support, Ensign’s Republican cronies are abandoning him faster than a gaggle of feminists at a Chris Brown concert. Here’s the rub: The New York Times reports that Ensign will be investigated by the Justice Department, over allegations that not only did he get his secret squeeze’s husband a job, but that he may have had a severe conflict of interest when the husband, Douglas Hampton, started lobbying Ensign on behalf of his clients. Hampton was subject to a one-year delay in any lobbying efforts because he had been a top Congressional aide. According to the Times, preliminary whispers indicate the FBI may be involved with any potential investigation of Ensign.

All of this tawdry stuff causes one to think about two things: judgment and privacy. The online media explosion has created a new paradigm…well, maybe not that new. It seems now one can live a public life or a private life, but there are no gray areas in between. And since we all know that, one has to wonder how an experienced public figure – a legislator – can exercise such deplorable judgment. In the end, it’s about “getting away with it” for these guys. I just wish Edwards, Vitter, Ensign, et al would wise up and realize the last guy that got away with it was John F. Kennedy. The entire Washington press corps knew Kennedy was getting away with it and via their silence they aided and abetted. That was 1960. This is now. Are you listening boys?

THAT WAS THE WEEK THAT WAS!

In The 60s there was a TV show called That Was the Week that Was. Such a great title, right? Well, if ever there was a news week that was, it was this week. Here are the stories that filled the week’s headlines:

Iran’s Post-Election Uprising: Even though the Iranian government did everything they could to put the kibosh on media reports, private citizens still managed to get the word out about widespread dissent after the election. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad “won” the election, but hundreds of thousands of Iranians took to the streets to dispute the outcome. By taking cell phone videos and photos, and using Twitter to get the word out in 140 characters or less, the whole world has been watching Iran turn upside down. You can follow minute by minute Twitter reports of the upheaval. It is compelling stuff. For a good summary of the election situation published earlier in the week, read Omid Memarian’s “A Coup Manual,” at Huffingtonpost.com. Fascinating.

New Missile Crisis? It was revealed this week that there is credible evidence to suggest North Korea will fire a missile toward Hawaii around July 4. Defense Secretary Robert Gates says we are prepared to intercept it if it is launched. Both Russia and China have reportedly approached North Korean President Kim Jong-il about retreating from his increasingly aggressive nuclear stance, but to no avail. President Barack Obama calls the situation a “grave threat,” and pledges not to reward the country with any incentives in return for them to back down. It sounds like a standoff.

Of Senators and Sex: The David Vitter Memorial Hall of Senatorial Erections inducted its newest member this week. He is Republican Sen. John Ensign of Nevada. Early this week Ensign came forward to admit that he had an affair with a female staffer last year. Ensign, known for his hard-liner stance on family values, was consistently vocal and outraged at Bill Clinton’s behavior during the Monica Lewinsky debacle. Later in the week more details emerged, such as the fact that the woman in question has a husband who also worked for Ensign, and who was getting ready to go to the media about the affair. There were even allegations that the husband was blackmailing Ensign – so far this is unsubstantiated. And even later in the week it was revealed that the woman’s salary doubled during the time she was on Ensign’s staff. I mean here’s a guy who looks like Ted Baxter from the old Mary Tyler Moore show, a seemingly straight arrow (pardon the pun), who holds a full press conference to reveal his indiscretion. Ensign was chairman of the Republican Policy Committee, the fourth-ranking spot in the leadership, but by week’s end he had resigned that position. He’s still a Senator…but then so is David Vitter, okay? Juicy, juicy, right? We probably haven’t heard the whole story yet, but what has come out so far definitely takes its place in the annals of Washington, D.C. sex scandals.

The Business of Show: Morgan Freeman, 72, had sex (allegedly) with his step-granddaughter, 27, from the time she was 16; Bruce Willis and his new wife had S & M photos published in W Magazine; and Billy Joel, 60, is splitting from his 27-year-old wife of five years. There are whisperings about Katie Joel’s wandering eye and some serious time spent with an Israeli designer named Yigal Azrouel,
not 60. Oy.

Memo to Morgan: So not cool, M. Do the words Woody and Soon-Yi ring a bell?
Note to Bruce: Bruce, at 54 most of us try to keep our shirts ON. That other part’s over now.
And, finally, a few words for Billy: “I've lived long enough to have learned - The closer you get to the fire the more you get burned.” Uh, Billy…you wrote that, remember?

Now, that was quite a week that was, right?