COME ON -- WE COULDN'T MAKE THIS STUFF UP

UPDATE: 52 AIG EMPLOYEES WHO RECEIVED BONUSES NO LONGER WORK FOR THE COMPANY. Senator Chris Dodd takes responsibility for the loophole that allowed the bonuses to be paid. Bailed out Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac are both planning to pay out huge retention bonuses
UPDATE: THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION NOW CLAIMS IT ONLY FOUND OUT ABOUT AIG'S PLANNED $1.65 MILLION IN BONUS PAYMENTS THIS MONTH. This, of course, begs the question: How recklessly is the bailout money being distributed? And how many other bailout recipients have not been properly investigaged and researched before receiving the funds?

Was it just me or did you think you heard a chorus of angels when they found O.J. Simpson guilty of 12 charges, including armed robbery and kidnapping last October? Finally. Some kind of karmic justice for the slimeball who clearly murdered Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman in 1994. You will recall this was the case where O.J. and his posse stormed their way into a hotel room to confront some guys who slimeball believed had stolen some of his valuable memorabilia. Intimidation, guns, yelling ensued. The usual O.J. stuff. Now comes news that two of O.J.’s friends, Tom Scotto (often called his best friend), and Barrett Prody, brother of O.J.’s ex-girlfriend, have formed a corporation to accept donations on slimeball’s behalf. It seems Scotto and Prody believe O.J. got a bum rap, so they formed Society Against Legal Injustice. Get this: Once you get to the web site you get to read about how O.J. is the victim in this case, and how his appeal may take a year or longer and cost up to $1 million. Pass the Puffs.

Now, about this whole AIG bonus mess: I couldn’t help wondering why it suddenly came into the public consciousness that AIG was giving out bonuses. When the government agreed to give AIG that big ole bailout, did they not know about the contractual agreements for retention payments to these 100 employees? Did they not know that the payments would amount to something in the neighborhood of $165 million? The facts: The government bails AIG out to the tune of $170 billion; AIG turns around and pays up to $90 billion directly to US and European banks to finance transactions already in progress. Although $165 million may not sound like much in the shadow of $170 billion, it turns out that some of the bonuses were paid to individuals whose division caused AIG to need government bailout money in the first place.

Back to the original question: Yes, reportedly the government did know about the planned bonuses -- a year ago. It appears that the administration did not plan to make this knowledge public, but it came out anyway, of course, and suddenly Obama started yelling “foul.” And it turns out AIG has the U.S. government by the proverbial balls, because if AIG is allowed to go under, all economic hell will break loose. AIG insures everything from movie companies to health insurance underwriters to auto insurance companies to…well, everything that matters. Still, legislators are calling for true, immediate action that would prevent AIG from paying these bonuses. AIG says it would cost them more to break the bonus contracts than to pay the $165 million. AIG further states that it could lose some valuable employees if they don’t pay the bonuses.

And I say, WAKE UP. It’s 2009. Our unemployment rate is higher than it’s been since the 1940s. Something tells me those valuable employees can be readily replaced. Let’s let the greedy ones walk, and let’s reduce the bailout of AIG by exactly $165 million. And then let’s put in place a corporate oversight committee to monitor how AIG spends its remaining free billions. And who should sit at that particular table? CEOs of American-owned companies that are in the black and not in need of bailout funding. Evidently they are individuals who know how to run a business. Or, if you prefer, some nuns. There, see? Done. Jeez.

THE VERY BAD, BAD BOYS OF 2008

(Photo (c) New York Magazine 2008)

In high school our class president, Steve, knocked up one of the varsity cheerleaders, and soon after was discovered smoking marijuana. In the early 70’s in the middle of middle America, the refrain went, “They start with marijuana, but it leads to LSD.” I don’t think Steve was tripping, but I do know that he already had sent one of his previous girlfriends to Kansas for an abortion. So trashy, right? It reminds you of, say, Eliot Spitzer (above). Or, worse, John Edwards. Or Governor Blagojevich (right, who mysteriously sports my exact high school "swoop" haircut) or Idaho Senator Larry “Bathroom Stall” Craig. Or sleazebag, “alleged” multiple wife killer Drew Peterson. (Did you hear that Peterson is freshly-engaged to a 23-year-old waitress?) What is with these guys? Seriously. Every one of them has the Steve Syndrome.

Steve Syndrome (SS) is an ever-increasing tendency among men over 45 to act out in ways that suggest 16. A bad 16. SS is characterized by a need to “get away with” something. Many of these men have a couple of real pronounced traits in common. First, they cheat. Second, they do it because they need to pull it off. The rush is in the deception more than the act. I truly believe that everything involved in the deception, from the other women, to hiding the bodies of the murdered wives, to selling Senatorial seats, to fathering a child with a mistress, to becoming a high profile politician and having sex with hookers – all of it is nothing more than a tool to get away with something. There’s just a real power in being the only one who knows what you have gotten away with. And it’s all about power, isn’t it?

After all, what is money anyway? It’s just power on paper. Witness last week’s revelations about financier Bernard Madoff (not photogenic and not pictured), who systematically swindled his investors out of billions. $50 billion is said to be ballpark. Come on. There is not a human being who needs $50 billion. Bernard ‘s crime is said to be the largest incidence of investor fraud ever perpetrated by one human being. Now, that is power. One side of Madoff’s egotistically-twisted brain is probably shocked that he has been formally charged with securities fraud. But the other, more cunning side is reveling in the sheer dominance of it all. Banks from virtually every European country have already reported losing billions because of Madoff’s scheme. Some of Palm Beach’s crème de la crème are reeling from their immense losses. Bernard Madoff feels like one powerful son of a bitch; you can bet on it. (By the way, if you want to know what a billion dollars looks like, it is pictured, above, right)

Bad boys like Spitzer and Edwards (below, left, tending to his modified Blago swoop) are likely having to re-define their fundamental self concepts, due to their loss of power. Both from financially well off families, and both remarkably successful politically, Spitzer and Edwards tasted true power over a sustained period. They also lived highly public lives and learned to charm the masses with the turn of a phrase, the right upturned smile and a certain public persona that suggested trustworthiness. All the more reason to crave the power that comes with deception. For Spitzer, the deception presented itself in the curvaceous, nubile youth of “escort” Ashley Dupre, 23. For Edwards, deception was a videographer hired by his wobbly presidential campaign, who willingly became his lover and probably gave birth to his child. Were it not for one bad judgment call the night he met his mistress and her (their?) baby in a room at the Beverly Hilton, and one National Enquirer photographer going snap,snap, Edwards would probably still be luxuriating in the glorious power of deception.

The very bad, bad boys of 2008 slipped up big time when they gave into that craving for another fix of delicious power. There were others this year – please don’t even get me started about O.J. Simpson. And I’m asking to not even mention Alex Rodriguez. Nor should we try to tackle father of four Balthazar Getty. Oh, did you hear the one about San Diego Padres outfielder Brian Giles,
whose ex-girlfriend now claims he beat her and caused her to have a miscarriage? And is there really one more significant word left to say about Peter Cook?

I think we need some sort of Guantanamo for bad boys. No water boarding or anything like that, you understand, just a place where we can send these guys to live out their days with no power. Jesus, I feel powerful just thinking about locking John Edwards up with O.J. Or Eliot Spitzer with Drew Peterson. Do you love it? How about Governor Blago (with no comb, mirror or hair gel) sharing a nine by nine cell with the foot tapping Senator from Idaho? Listen, don’t judge me. I don’t have the premiere bad boy, Leona Helmsley (left) to kick around anymore, so what am I supposed to do?

Close your eyes. Envision the New Guantanamo with me. It’s intoxicating.
UPDATE: THE BAD BOYS ARE CROSS-POLLINATING! After the above piece was posted, the NY Times reported that Eliot Spitzer revealed at a weekend holiday party that his family's real estate firm had invested and lost money with Bernard Madoff. (Hmmm...we may have to re-arrange the cellmates now).