BAD BOYS: SUMMER SLEAZEBAG EDITION

Why do the bad boys always seem to be badder in the summer? (Yes, I know, I said “badder.” Live with it). Who knows, but there seems to be a pattern. This summer has been particularly frisky and mischievous for some of the most high profile bad boys. And don’t get all huffy about the exclusion of uber-bad boys John Edwards, Michael Vick, Rod Blagojeich and Glenn Beck from this piece. They’re still bad. Real bad. It’s just that I have written about all three of them ad nauseum lately, so I chose to focus herein on some of their bad contemporaries.

Plaxico Burress will serve two years in prison, it was reported this week, after pleading guilty to one count of attempted criminal possession of a weapon. But here’s the rub: Burress shot himself in the leg with the gun. Unfortunately, the gun he was carrying was not licensed. So, the married father of one, with another on the way goes to prison, and even when he gets out, it is not a given that the one-time Super Bowl star will be back in the NFL. "This was not an intentional criminal act," attorney Benjamin Brafman said. "In my judgment, a two-year prison sentence is a very severe punishment." So, that would suggest what? That Burress unintentionally carried an unlicensed weapon into a crowded public place? Burress, 32, has a history of unlawful behavior, which the judge probably considered. He’s still charged with smashing into the back of a Broward County, FL woman’s car with his Mercedes. Not only hasn’t he settled anything with her, but he was driving without insurance. And let’s not forget his two separate domestic disturbance instances in 2008, when he was hit with a restraining order in his own home. I hereby charge Plaxico Burress with serial badness.

Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina just will not go gently into that private night. He insists on staying public. This week he addressed a luncheon group and once again apologized for his bad judgment and behavior in carrying on an affair with an Argentinian woman. His wife and kids have already moved out, followed by a September Vogue interview in which Jenny Sanford is not cutting her husband much slack – you know, because he’s bad. Sanford now admits his political career is over, but he insists on finishing out the remaining 16 months of his term. More bad judgment on his part? You be the judge. Here is what a lame duck looks and sounds like:


Dr. Conrad Murray is on track to be charged with manslaughter in the death of Michael Jackson, according to a report from Fox News. Murray, who has admitted administering the intravenous anesthetic propofol to help Jackson sleep just hours before his death, says the truth will set him free. Hmmm. Since the truth is that the doctor gave Jackson a drug that virtually everyone in the medical community agrees is for use only in a surgical setting, one wonders how that might free him. So, why manslaughter and not murder? Possibly because there is nothing much in the doc’s background to suggest criminal patterns, except for some unpaid child support. And, it seems clear (so far, anyway) that it was not his intention to kill Jackson.

Senator John Ensign is the next in the long line of legislators who seem to believe that if they just don’t talk about their extra-marital sexual indiscretions, they whole thing will just somehow go away. However, Ensign, who admitted having an affair with the wife of one of his best friends, (both worked for Ensign), now comes forward to say he did nothing legally wrong. No mention of ethics or morals or any of that, just nothing legally wrong. Ensign, who was among the loudest legislators calling for Bill Clinton’s resignation during the Lewinsky affair, says there is a big difference between his situation and Clinton’s. I haven't done anything legally wrong. President Clinton stood right before the American people and he lied to the American people," Ensign said. Still, like Mark Sanford, Ensign keeps apologizing. And like our old friend David Vitter, he’s hoping the whole thing magically disappears.

I could go on – I mean I could talk about Jon Gosselin (oh, God, are we still talking about him?), or former NY Times reporter Jayson Blair. Blair is the guy who ruined his own career and brought down two of the most powerful men in the NY Times newsroom, when he fabricated stories a few years ago. Blair, long considered in journalism circles the worst of all bad boys, has taken on a new profession – life counselor. So Woody Allenish, no? Anyway, I’m not going into any great detail about that because anecdotal evidence suggests that you stop reading after about 700 words on a blog entry – we’re at 811 right now. So I lost many of you somewhere in the John Ensign paragraph. Damn. So much badness to report, and such short attention spans.

BEHIND THE HEADLINES...

THREE SLEAZY GUYS IN SEARCH OF AN EXCUSE

As you know from time to time Greenberg Rants likes to take a short peak at what’s going on with stories that made headlines and then faded into the background of the public consciousness. After all, how much of Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich can you take? And once you know Ted Haggard is gay and paid prostitutes for sex while reigning over one of the largest mega churches in the country, don’t you really know the whole story? Likewise, once you’ve been told the CEO of Merrill Lynch redecorated his office to the tune of $1.2 million, and then got fired, that pretty much caps that story off, doesn’t it?

Not even close. So often it’s the under-reported follow up story that is really fleshy. How is it, you might wonder, that grown, educated men can get themselves in such deep, hot water? Well, they say we’re all flawed in one way or another. It just so happens that some of us take those flaws to unlikely extremes, and then cannot seem to resist the allure of microphones and cameras. Consider:

Remember Ted Haggard? He is the guy who was once pastor of the 12,000-member New Life Mega-Church in Colorado. You may recall that the right Rev Haggard (left) was busted in 2007 when a male prostitute came forward to say he had bumped booties with the Rev, supplied him with methamphetamine and accepted money from him for sex. Haggard subsequently left the church, denied the rumors, later owned up to the rumors and went to work selling insurance. Now, that would be the end of this story, were it not for Haggard’s seemingly insatiable need for attention. This month, HBO debuts its new documentary, “The Trials of Ted Haggard,” in which Haggard and his family are chronicled and dissected trying to resurrect their lives. My guess is that they were paid handsomely for the film, and that is part of the reason they agreed to it. However, since Haggard was used to huge, adoring audiences as a pastor, it is likely he needed the face time with the public to feed his ego. As you read through the rest of this piece, keep “ego” in mind. It is the theme of this big boys gone bad story.

So, the documentary would be the end of the story, were it not for this week’s revelation that a former church worker at New Life has now come forward to reveal his own sexual play for pay past with Ted. The former church volunteer says he is coming forward now because he resents Haggard’s public attempts to paint himself as a victim.

The volunteer’s hard feelings are understandable on one level. However, on another level, even though Haggard rates a solid 10 on the sleaze scale, he is something of a product of his time. Born in 1956, Haggard is a victim of middle America’s mid-20th century rule that men were not allowed to be gay. As it turns out, there is a whole generation of gay men who were raised in the post-World War II mindset that everyone should conform to the “norm.” Unfortunately, there were those who were born to be different. Still, like Haggard, they grew up and followed all the societal rules – until they didn’t. And like Haggard, they lived duplicitous lives that often led to personal disaster. Haggard’s life story is a cautionary tale for a culture that is only now beginning to understand that the human race is necessarily comprised mostly of people who do not fit a culturally-defined profile.

Still, we’re left to wonder – why does Ted Haggard want an HBO television documentary broadcast about his personal fall that has already been made horrendously public? Why not step back and reconstruct a life? Is the spotlight more seductive and irresistible than family privacy and anonymity?

This is also a big week for Rod Blagojevich (left), the embattled governor of Illinois. Charged with trying to sell Barack Obama’s former Senate seat to the highest bidder, Blago is persona non grata coast to coast. This is a story that just keeps on giving: Last week, Blago’s missus, Patti (below, right), was fired from her $100,000-a-year job as development director of The Chicago Christian Industrial League, a post she had held for only four months.The CCIL is a non-profit serving homeless men. Patti’s job had to do with fundraising – sort of like how Blago defined his own job. Let’s review: fundraiser for a non-profit organization and the salary is a hundred grand? Is it me, or is something wrong with this picture?

Meanwhile, on Monday, the very day his impeachment trial begins, tune into “The View” on ABC. Blago will be on the hot seat with the ladies. All I’m waiting for is to see the Governor face off with Joy Behar. That same night you can see Blago across the desk from Larry King, and reportedly, the Governor has already taped an upcoming episode with our holy St. Oprah of Chicago. Image repair? Damage control? Sympathy plea? You be the judge. I would once again raise the issue of ego. Think about it.

Also this week, two Chicago radio stations reportedly offered Blago and Mrs. B their own talk show. It is unclear how the Rod and Patti show would play out, but based on previously revealed tapes of their private conversations, I would suggest anyone who offers this golden couple access to public airwaves may want to consider the old seven-second delay option, so as not to incur the wrath of a profanity-conscious Federal Communications Commission.

This is a story we will continue to follow here, if only for the sheer entertainment of it. It’s an “Only in America” tale, is it not? Consider: The Chief Exec of Illinois is arrested by the FBI after being caught on tape trying to sell the Senate seat of the next President of the U.S. His wife laces every other sentence she utters with the F word, and not only is the guy still in office, but after his arrest, he anoints the only black U.S. Senator. Really…who could make this stuff up?

Until January 21, John Thain (right), was not exactly a household name, like, say, Bernie Madoff. But last week, Thain became widely known, if only for the fact that he has a $1400 parchment wastebasket. For those of you who did not quite tune into this story, some quick background: John Thain was the CEO of Merrill Lynch, the company that was absorbed at the eleventh hour not long ago by Bank of America. Had it not been acquired, Merrill Lynch would probably have gone the route of Lehman Bros.—kaput. Now we know that right before the company was scooped up by BOA, its CEO awarded last minute executive bonuses to the tune of $3 to 4 billion dollars. That would be bad enough news for a company in such dire straits, but now we know that in the fourth quarter of 2008, Merrill Lynch lost a whopping $1.79 billion.

Which brings us all the way back to the $1400 wastebasket. Among the most startling revelations this week was the one about John Thain’s office: As it turns out, Thain authorized a redecoration of his own work digs to the tune of $1.22 million, at the same time his company was tanking. According to about a million published reports, among the expenses was $800,000 for the same decorator hired by Michelle Obama to redecorate the White House private living quarters for just $100,000. Again…is it just me, or…? Here is part of Thain's shopping list:

1)$2,700 for six wall sconces.
2) $5,000 for a mirror in his private dining room.
3) $11,000 for fabric for a "Roman Shade.”
4) $13,000 for a chandelier in the private dining room.
5) $15,000 for a sofa.
6) $16,000 for a "custom coffee table.”
7) $18,000 for a “George IV Desk.”
8) $25,000 for a "mahogany pedestal table.”
9) $28,000 for four pairs of curtains.
10) $35,000 for something called a "commode on legs.”
11) $37,000 for six chairs in his private dining room.
12) $68,000 for a "19th Century Credenza" in his office.
13) $87,000 for a pair of guest chairs.
14) $87,000 for an area rug in Thain's conference room and another area rug for $44,000.
15) $800,000 to hire celebrity designer Michael Smith, who is currently redesigning the White House for the Obama family for just $100,000.

John Thain was fired on Thursday. Not since Eliot Spitzer has there been such a very public employment separation. (Speaking of Spitzer, recently it was made public that he was one of the investors duped by masterduper Madoff—there’s so much incest among societal bottom feeders). Coming soon in GreenbergRants is a behind-the-headline story about outrageous CEO compensation and perks. We’ll dig deeper into the Thain story then, (including a mention of Thain’s driver, who last year earned $233,000) but for now, if you’re feeling a bit angry about the dollar figures we’re showing here, stay angry. It’s your outrage and your voice that will bring about balance in the corporate system. Have we not had enough anecdotal stories about greed, thievery and inhumanity in the upper echelons of corporate America? As is the case with so many other headline stories, this one is about you. It is your money with which they are buying corporate jets, lavish estates and...well, $1400 wastebaskets.

Speak up. Get mad. It's time.

THE VERY BAD, BAD BOYS OF 2008

(Photo (c) New York Magazine 2008)

In high school our class president, Steve, knocked up one of the varsity cheerleaders, and soon after was discovered smoking marijuana. In the early 70’s in the middle of middle America, the refrain went, “They start with marijuana, but it leads to LSD.” I don’t think Steve was tripping, but I do know that he already had sent one of his previous girlfriends to Kansas for an abortion. So trashy, right? It reminds you of, say, Eliot Spitzer (above). Or, worse, John Edwards. Or Governor Blagojevich (right, who mysteriously sports my exact high school "swoop" haircut) or Idaho Senator Larry “Bathroom Stall” Craig. Or sleazebag, “alleged” multiple wife killer Drew Peterson. (Did you hear that Peterson is freshly-engaged to a 23-year-old waitress?) What is with these guys? Seriously. Every one of them has the Steve Syndrome.

Steve Syndrome (SS) is an ever-increasing tendency among men over 45 to act out in ways that suggest 16. A bad 16. SS is characterized by a need to “get away with” something. Many of these men have a couple of real pronounced traits in common. First, they cheat. Second, they do it because they need to pull it off. The rush is in the deception more than the act. I truly believe that everything involved in the deception, from the other women, to hiding the bodies of the murdered wives, to selling Senatorial seats, to fathering a child with a mistress, to becoming a high profile politician and having sex with hookers – all of it is nothing more than a tool to get away with something. There’s just a real power in being the only one who knows what you have gotten away with. And it’s all about power, isn’t it?

After all, what is money anyway? It’s just power on paper. Witness last week’s revelations about financier Bernard Madoff (not photogenic and not pictured), who systematically swindled his investors out of billions. $50 billion is said to be ballpark. Come on. There is not a human being who needs $50 billion. Bernard ‘s crime is said to be the largest incidence of investor fraud ever perpetrated by one human being. Now, that is power. One side of Madoff’s egotistically-twisted brain is probably shocked that he has been formally charged with securities fraud. But the other, more cunning side is reveling in the sheer dominance of it all. Banks from virtually every European country have already reported losing billions because of Madoff’s scheme. Some of Palm Beach’s crème de la crème are reeling from their immense losses. Bernard Madoff feels like one powerful son of a bitch; you can bet on it. (By the way, if you want to know what a billion dollars looks like, it is pictured, above, right)

Bad boys like Spitzer and Edwards (below, left, tending to his modified Blago swoop) are likely having to re-define their fundamental self concepts, due to their loss of power. Both from financially well off families, and both remarkably successful politically, Spitzer and Edwards tasted true power over a sustained period. They also lived highly public lives and learned to charm the masses with the turn of a phrase, the right upturned smile and a certain public persona that suggested trustworthiness. All the more reason to crave the power that comes with deception. For Spitzer, the deception presented itself in the curvaceous, nubile youth of “escort” Ashley Dupre, 23. For Edwards, deception was a videographer hired by his wobbly presidential campaign, who willingly became his lover and probably gave birth to his child. Were it not for one bad judgment call the night he met his mistress and her (their?) baby in a room at the Beverly Hilton, and one National Enquirer photographer going snap,snap, Edwards would probably still be luxuriating in the glorious power of deception.

The very bad, bad boys of 2008 slipped up big time when they gave into that craving for another fix of delicious power. There were others this year – please don’t even get me started about O.J. Simpson. And I’m asking to not even mention Alex Rodriguez. Nor should we try to tackle father of four Balthazar Getty. Oh, did you hear the one about San Diego Padres outfielder Brian Giles,
whose ex-girlfriend now claims he beat her and caused her to have a miscarriage? And is there really one more significant word left to say about Peter Cook?

I think we need some sort of Guantanamo for bad boys. No water boarding or anything like that, you understand, just a place where we can send these guys to live out their days with no power. Jesus, I feel powerful just thinking about locking John Edwards up with O.J. Or Eliot Spitzer with Drew Peterson. Do you love it? How about Governor Blago (with no comb, mirror or hair gel) sharing a nine by nine cell with the foot tapping Senator from Idaho? Listen, don’t judge me. I don’t have the premiere bad boy, Leona Helmsley (left) to kick around anymore, so what am I supposed to do?

Close your eyes. Envision the New Guantanamo with me. It’s intoxicating.
UPDATE: THE BAD BOYS ARE CROSS-POLLINATING! After the above piece was posted, the NY Times reported that Eliot Spitzer revealed at a weekend holiday party that his family's real estate firm had invested and lost money with Bernard Madoff. (Hmmm...we may have to re-arrange the cellmates now).